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10 (Assaye)
Battery
X Troop provided the communications for
10
(Assaye) Battery and a friendly rivalry existed between the Gunners and the
Siggys each trying to out do the other, needless to say that Signals always
came out on top.
Sorry 'Gunners' I had to slip that one in.
An Elephant in the Mess
I have
been reliability informed by one of our former hossifers that there was an
occasion when an Officer from 10 (Assaye) Battery was being dined out at the
Officers Mess at Shoebury. It seems that the Signals Officers borrowed a baby
elephant from a local circus and paraded it through the Mess in honour of his
departure. Elephants being as they are like to leave their 'Mark' and this one
was no exception... However no-one thought to clean up the Mess and some ladies
stepped in it!
Pace Stick Drill
The Royal Regiment of Artillery claim to be the originator of the
pace-stick. It was used by it's field gun teams to ensure correct distances
between the guns. This pace stick was more like a walking stick, with a silver
or ivory knob. It cannot be manipulated like we know today as it opened like a
pair of calipers. From the beginning the infantry developed the pace stick as
an aid to drill. In 1928, the late Arthur Brand MVO MBE developed a drill for
pace-sticks. The stick that he used is still kept in the Warrant Officers and
Sergeants mess at the Royal Military Academy Sandhurst. In 1952 the Academy
Sergeant Major (the late John Lord MVO MBE) started a 'pace-sticking
competition'. This competition was held annually between Royal Military Academy
Sandhurst and the Guards Depot. It was originally four Sergeants in the team
and a Warrant Officer as the team captain who acted as the driver and gave the
words of command over the course which involved marching in slow and quick time
whilst alternating turning the stick with the left or right hand. The teams are
now modified to a frontage of three Sergeants but the driver still remains a
Warrant Officer. Since the closing of the Guards Depot in April 1993 the annual
competition has demised, however the All Arms (World Championships) pace
sticking competition still carries on and is held annually at Royal Military
Academy Sandhurst. Teams from all over the world compete in different
categories for the title of World Champion Pace-Sticking team or the
prestigious individual World Pace-Stick Champion
Pleasantly Plump
A rather tubby Signalman
joined the Squadron and one morning the RSM of the Artillery Regiment was
strutting his stuff and caught sight of this young lad. He quickly crossed the
road and caught up with the Signalman. Hey you prodding his pace stick into the
Signalman's abdomen he said, "Soldier, on the end of this pace stick is a fat
slob." The quick witted Signalman replied, "Well he's not on this end Sir!!!"
You Push and I'll Pull
Did you
hear the one about the Gunners pushing a 27 1/2 KVA trailer mounted generator
around the compound in Dortmund trying to bump start it. Winter '72.
Flash Signal
Location: 260 Admin
Office. The late Capt John Cowe, 260 AO, Phone rings.
AO. Hello
Regt
Adj. "Adj here John I have an urgent signal for you, please send someone to
collect it"
AO: "I will send a Signalman straight away".
Regt Adj: "No,
send someone responsible".
AO: "That's just what I am doing; that's why we
call them Signalmen"
A Likely Story
The BC went out to find that his gunners were not where they
ought to be. Suddenly one ran up to him, panting heavily. "Sorry, sir! I can
explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but
missed it, I called a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but
it dropped down dead, I ran 10 miles, and now I'm here. Sir! "
The BC
was very sceptical about this explanation but at least he was there so he let
the gunner go.
Moments later, eight more gunners came up to the BC
panting, he asked them why they were late. "Sorry, sir! We had a date and it
ran a little late, we ran to the bus but missed it, we called a cab but it
broke down, we found a farm,we bought some horses but they dropped down dead,
we ran 10 miles, and now we are here. Sir! " The BC eyed them, feeling very
sceptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too.
A
ninth gunner jogged up to the BC, panting heavily. "Sorry, sir! I had a date
and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I called a cab
but..." "Let me guess," the BC interrupted, "it broke down." "No Sir, " said
the gunner., "there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to
get around them. But I am here now Sir!"
Gunner
Rear
Why does a Gunner never have more than a 30 minute
break?
If you give him anymore he will need retraining.
Timberland
A new gunner to the regiment was on
guard duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No car was to enter the
barracks unless it had a special sticker on the windscreen. A staff car came up
with a general seated in the back. The gunner shouted, "Halt, who goes there?"
The chauffeur, a bombardier, says, "General Wheeler." "I'm sorry, I can't let
you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windscreen." The general said,
"bombardier, drive on!" The gunner said, "Halt! You can't come through. I have
orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker." The general repeated,
"I'm ordering you, bombardier, drive on!" The gunner walked up to the rear
window and said, "General, I'm new to all this. Do I shoot you or the driver?"
A Rare Occasion
The CO issued the
following order to his Battery Commanders: "Tomorrow evening at approximately
20:00 hours, Halley's Comet will be visible in this area; an event which occurs
only every 75 years. Have the men fall in and parade in the gun park in
fatigues, and I will explain this rare phenomenon to them. In case of rain, we
will not be able to see anything, so assemble the men in the cinema and I will
show them films of it."
BATTERY COMMANDER TO TROOP OFFICERS: "By order
of the Colonel. Tomorrow at 20:00 hours, Halley's Comet will appear above the
gun park. If it rains, fall the men out in fatigues, then march them to the
cinema where this rare phenomenon will take place, something which occurs only
once every 75 years."
TROOP OFFICERS TO BSM: "By order of the Colonel.
Be in fatigues at 20:00 hours tomorrow evening. The phenomenal Halley's Comet
will appear in the cinema. In case of rain in the gun park, the Colonel will
give another order, something which occurs once every 75 years."
BSM TO
No1's: "Tomorrow at 20:00 hours, the Colonel will appear in the cinema with
Halley's comet, something which happens every 75 years. If it rains, the
Colonel will order the comet into the gun park."
No1's TO Gunners:
"When it rains tomorrow at 20:00 hours, the phenomenal 75-year-old General
Halley, accompanied by the Colonel, will bypass the cinema and drive his comet
through the gun park in fatigues."
Saluting
A Soldier, Sailor & Airman left the Services at the same
time to joined the circus. When asked why, they replied: "Two reasons, the
living-in accommodation is much better, and you don't have to salute the
clowns"
Officers Confidential Reports
The British Military writes OCR's (officer confidential
reports). The following are actual excerpts taken from people's "OCR's"....
- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
- I would not breed from this Officer.
- This Officer is really
not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be.
- When
she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was
previously in there.
- He has carried out each and every one of his
duties to his entire satisfaction.
- He would be out of his depth in a
car park puddle.
- Technically sound, but socially impossible.
- This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning
around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.
- This young
lady has delusions of adequacy.
- When he joined my ship, this Officer
was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.
- This
Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and
my officers to carry him from bar to bar.
- Since my last report he has
reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.
- She sets low personal
standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
- He has the
wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
- This Officer should go
far - and the sooner he starts, the better.
- In my opinion this pilot
should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.
- The only ship I would
recommend this man for is citizenship.
- Works well when under constant
supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap
- This man is depriving a
village somewhere of an idiot.
Q. What was the
elephant doing on the autobahn?
A. About 8kph
the same speed as 10 (Assaye) Battery on crashout. |
C Troop 10 (Assaye) Battery with B70 Radio Relay
detachments
from X Troop 260 Signal Squadron (SAM)
Napier Barracks -
Dortmund - West Germany
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